


Bitter Smiles

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Break Up, Chaptered, Introspection, M/M, Mental Coercion, POV First Person, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 12:52:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14379051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Subaru doesn't know what love is. He knows he loves Yassan, but he also knows he can't explain what he feels for him, nor reciprocate like he deserves.





	1. Poetry of a Profane Love

_(Shibutani Subaru)_

****

_[Poetry of a profane love_

_The fear of having your hand taken, what do you know of it?]_

I write.

Words flow without me thinking about them.

Another verse, another song, another lie.

I laugh about myself, about how good I am at lying.

What do I know about love? What right do I have of singing of stories that never existed, not even in my brightest fantasies?

I think about Yassan, and my smile grows.

He could’ve explained love so easily. He could’ve talked about us, about what he feels when we’re together, maybe blushing a little, maybe being moved by it, with that childish nature of his that I pretend I hate.

I sigh.

What do I know about love?

I’ve always considered it useless; you spend time together, you have fun, you lash out your instincts, as if we all were animals, nothing more.

Because, perhaps, love _is_ instinct.

Or maybe mine’s just fear. When I look at Yassan’s face, when I read in his eyes every single feeling he has for me, his like my mind hides behind a wall, as if somehow I want to protect myself from those eyes, even though I know they’re harmless.

Maybe I love Yassan, maybe I don’t. Maybe he loves me more, maybe I do love him more, but for sure we love each other in very different ways.

I _want_ to love him; but still, I can’t shut up that feeling inside of me pushing me to the edge of the sensible experience, to the edge of what I can do without having him run away from me.

Or perhaps I do it to make him go, to make him see that there’s nothing in me worthy of love.

But he stays there.

He looks at me, smiles at me, touches me, and his skin against mine turns me to ashes.

Yassan loves me, and I know that.

And I keep running from this love of his, for the mere whim of knowing to what point I can bring him.

I hurt him. I know that too.

I want to yell at him to run, but I keep quiet.

And we stay there, in a silence that has never the same meaning for us.


	2. You Touch me in Many Ways

_(Yasuda Shota)_

****

_[I see, can’t have you, can’t leave you there ‘cause I must sometimes see you_

_But I don’t understand how you can keep me in chains_

_And every waken hour I feel you taking power from me and I can’t leave.]_

“Good morning.” I murmur, stretching in the bed.

I smile, as usual when I open my eyes and find him next to me.

It’s not always easy; on the contrary, it almost never is.

It’s not easy when my smiles clash with his bad moods; it’s not easy when my desire to be together, alone him and I, clash his will to be alone.

It’s not easy, but I’m still here. I’m here because of moments like this, when all seems alive.

Am I lying to myself?

“Good morning.” he replies, his voice low. He’s sitting, his back against the wall, and staring into space.

I wish I knew what’s going through his mind.

I crawl toward him, resting my chin on his chest and raising my eyes to look at him.

He smiles.

One of those smiles I hate.

Because it’s like he’s conceding them to me, like he does that to avoid hurting me. But they stink of lie, and he doesn’t realize that.

I bit my lip. I wish I had the courage to talk to him, for once, telling him how he makes me feel, telling him I’m not a kid, and it’s not necessary for him to pretend moments of tenderness that don’t belong to him.

But it would change everything between us; he wouldn’t need to deceive me or himself anymore, and I shouldn’t pretend to believe him.

How did it come to this?

I rest my lips gently on the skin of his arm, almost hoping to see him shiver; and I’m disappointed, as usual.

He’s off, my Baru.

And what use do I have for this love, that it’s not love at all?

I should leave. I should get up from this bed, out of this room and not waste a tear thinking about him.

But I’m so weak, and I know already I could never deprive myself of his presence, as much as it pains me so much.

Baru hurts me. And the same wounds he inflicts upon me, only he can tend to them.

He sucks all the self-respect away from me, and in his hands, in his eyes, in his words, I become everything he wants me to.

Lacking dignity, filled with a love I can’t end.

His hand move slowly on my shoulders, he gets close and kisses my forehead, softly, as if he could break me any moment. And perhaps, it’s true.

Even his kisses taste of illusion.


	3. Wanting You

_(Nishikido Ryo)_

****

_[Hunting you, I can smell you – alive_

_Your heart pounding in my head.]_

I’m laying down on the couch.

Hina and Yoko are talking, always too loud.

It bothers me.

I let my eyes roam over the room, until my they meet his.

I’d expect for him to lower his head, pretending he wasn’t looking at me on purpose, but he doesn’t. He keeps staring at me, to the point of making me feel uncomfortable.

And still, I feel like laughing.

Baru is out of every scheme.

So little inclined to following the rules of decency, so much that he attracts me, somehow.

It’s a game that’s been going on for a while, getting so close to touch each other and then pulling away, perhaps not to lose control, or maybe because it’s more exciting this way.

I look at him, I think about all of those moments, where he’s been so close that I could feel his scent mixing to mine, and my mind wandering to fantasies brushing the boundary of what I was allowed to do.

He doesn’t belong to me, he never will, nor I really want him to.

But those eyes, big, deep, alive, pierce me all the way to my brain, burning inside my memory so that I can never forget them.

And maybe, it’s what he wants.

I’m the one chasing him, but he’s the hunter and I’m the prey. And what scares me and fascinates me is that I don’t even want to run away.

I want to stop, let him take me, making whatever he wants of me.

But he plays, to the point of becoming irritating.

If he wants to have fun, if he wants to hear me beg, if he wants me to consume myself, he’s found the right challenge.

He knows me; he knows I always get what I want.

And now, I just want to keep on playing.

 


	4. I Should Stop, But...

_(Shibutani Subaru)_

_[Hidoi hito ni natte shikireru kurai_

_Hiroi koto wo itte mayoeru kurai_

_Kurai sora no naka de afureru kurai_

_Kuroi kaze ni natte afureru kurai.]_

_(I’ve become someone cruel enough to take control_

_I’ve said things deep enough to confuse_

_In the dark sky, to cross its boundaries_

_I’ve become a black wind that can cross its boundaries)_

Ryo. I laugh.

It’s so pointless, all this.

It makes no sense the way I look at him. It makes no sense the way my eyes lock with his. It makes no sense the way I shiver, thinking about how _wrong_ this is.

It’s wrong thinking about Ryo, loving Yassan and I’m wrong, with these sensations confusing me.

I’ve got full control over my actions, less over what I desire. And I wonder if this isn’t yet another alibi, another test I put myself through to find out how I feel about Shota.

Tests that will make all three of us hurt, but it doesn’t matter. Because I’m tired of thinking, of staring at the emptiness around me, unable to get out of it. Tired of being such a poor excuse for man that I can’t even let myself feel something that should come so naturally.

Tired of feeling like the bad one, but not managing to deny the cruelty pushing me to create these plots, these plays of which I’m the sole director.

It amuses me playing to confuse others, so much that I can’t stop.

I’m just a spoilt brat, and what bothers me is that I don’t really want to put an end to it.

I will cross over those boundaries I’ve pointlessly tried to impose to myself.

I will cross over the edge of the abyss, and it doesn’t matter who’ll be dragged with me to the fall.

Because I can’t see lust in Yassan, nor love in Ryo; and I need both to go on.

I need to fall into that emptiness, hurt me if need be, to find just one small moment of peace.

To hurt myself, and others.

No one of us is going to win, but the only sure thing is that I won’t be defeated.

I’ll dragged them with me, strong of the fact that they will let themselves be dragged.

I can be persuasive, when I want.

I’m disgusted in myself.

I’m just empty.

 


	5. My Dreams Were Torn Apart

_(Yasuda Shota)_

_[Your love isn’t fair_

_You live in a world where you didn’t listen_

_And you didn’t care.]_

Perhaps Subaru thinks good people don’t have eyes to see.

Does he really believe I can’t see what’s going on in front of me? Does he think I don’t feel how damn distant he is, and that I don’t suffer for it?

I try to shut up that voice in my head telling me he simply doesn’t care.

He’s cruel.

He goes on, wearing his best smile every time he gets out the door, fake, a smile I hate.

Like I wish I could hate him.

I would’ve hoped to love a better person than the one he’s showing me.

Ryo. The careless, annoying, _beautiful_ Ryo.

I really wish I knew what Subaru wants from me. To cry? To beg him?

Maybe just that I stay in a corner, silently licking my wounds, like I’m used to.

And I know that the anger can’t blur my complete lack of dignity, which would have me kneel in front of him, begging him to love me like I love him.

I’m hurting myself too much over this love he doesn’t deserve, for his unfair love, so wrong.

Subaru can’t see me. Can’t hear me. He doesn’t care.

While I keep staying here, looking disgusted at the glances he throws Ryo, seeing that lascivious smile, alluring, as if it was a damn invitation for him. The very same smile that up to some time ago was reserved to me, in front of which I used to blush, but always smiling back.

But Ryo’s not me. He, in his thickness, is sharp enough to catch the lure on Subaru’s face, and I know for sure he won’t step back.

This game of seduction, that he doesn’t even have the decency of hiding, nauseates me.

He keeps torturing me, like only he can do. And I find myself without legs to stand on, because while I gave him everything, all those weapons to use against me, he’s never given me anything.

I can just stay here and watch.


	6. Hurt Me in a way That I've Never Known

_(Nishikido Ryo)_

_[You abused me in a way that I’ve never known_

_You confuse me in a way that I’ve never known.]_

I hit the wall with my naked back.

It’s incredibly cold, as opposed to my skin.

I wish I could smile, but I can only bite down on my lips, almost making them bleed.

My head is spinning. It’s like Subaru, his hands, his mouth, were _everywhere._

He confuses me. In a way that I had never felt before.

He’s intense, Baru. I know that right now he’s in full control of me, of my body, that I’d do anything for him to go on. And I can’t think about any form of pride that would forbid me to truly do anything, just to feel him _more_.

His hand keeps going down on my skin, until he reaches his goal. I moan, he smiles.

Maliciously.

“Subaru...” I murmur, my voice broken, arching my hips, eager. His smile grows wider.

His mouth is against my ear, and he pushes me further into the wall.

“We’re in no rush, Ryo.” he says, letting his arousal show in his voice.

He gets down on his knees. I already have lost control over my  body when he quickly frees me from my slacks, almost violently, and leans with his mouth over my cock.

I tighten my hand through his hair, searching a deeper contact, almost hurting him.

“Subaru...” I mutter, panting shamelessly. I don’t know what he’s doing to me, I just know I’m already too far beyond.

When I come, I get even more confused. I feel my body heavier, my head about to burst, while the only thing I can truly feel is his mouth on me.

He stands back on his feet, and elegantly run a finger through his lower lip, seductively.

And after looking victoriously at me he leaves, and I’m on the ground, without really knowing what has just happened.

“Subaru!” I call him, my voice still unsteady. But he doesn’t turn, he doesn’t come back.

He’s good at making me feel used, Subaru.


	7. The Moment of Truths in Your Lies

_(Shibutani Subaru)_

_[When everything’s made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am.]_

“You stink of sex.”

Yassan looks at me, disgusted.

I’ve just come back home, and I’ve seen him coming toward me, threatening. As much as he can be.

“It’s not true.” I answer, without looking at him.

“Where have you been?” he asks, and I can hear a shiver in his voice. I sigh, biting my lip.

Lying is pointless, since all I do is lead to hurt him, to hurt us both.

“At Ryo’s.” my indifferent tone nauseates me, and I’m sure it has the very same effect on him.

He sits slowly on the couch, closing his eyes for a split second.

When he opens them back, he points them at me.

They’re _piercing_. I’ve never seen that look on his face, and it scares me a little.

“You don’t give a damn, do you?” he murmurs. I get closer, kneeling in front of him. I get my hand close to his face, but he bats it away.

I sigh, again.

“Do you want me to say I’m sorry? What point would that have? I can’t undo it now.”

He smiles, spitefully, and I realize he’s dangerously close to tears.

“Don’t pretend it was a moment of weakness. Don’t pretend you haven’t been planning this all along.” his voice his bitter, like his eyes, like his movements.

I jump up, pulling back.

“Do you think you know everything that goes through my mind, Yasu?” I ask, hiding an accusation in my tone. He gets behind me, his mouth close to my ear.

“Maybe before I was interested in what you thought, Baru. Now I only care about the fact that you hurt me like no one has ever done before. That you have fun playing with people’s lives. And I don’t deserve it.” his voice is steady; it surprises me.

I turn, facing him.

“I’m not sorry for what I’ve done to you. It’s just another proof of what I am. You should’ve understood that by now.” I hiss, a rage of which I can’t pinpoint the source.

Yassan smiles to me, sad. Then he hugs me, and I feel sobs shaking him.

“I know exactly who you are. And I love you.” he whispers, crying. “But I can’t take it anymore.” he adds, pulling back.

He goes to the main door, and I know I should stop him.

But this is what I’ve always wanted, isn’t it?

For him to go. For him to understand what kind of man I am. For him to come to the only possible conclusion: I deserve nothing of what he has to give.

I want to cry too.

I’ve done the worst things to him, and he can still love me.

I hate how much better than me he is.

I stay there, alone, with my guilt and a pain I have no right to feel.

 


	8. Never Care for Games They Play

_(Yasuda Shota)_

_[So close no matter how far_

_Couldn’t be much more from the heart_

_Forever trust in who we are_

_No, nothing else matters.]_

I walk.

Slowly, I’m in no rush.

Nor I have a place to go.

At some point I stop, taking my face in my hands. I still can’t explain what happened, but I know that I’m partly proud of me for leaving.

Only, I’d feel better if I could ignore the pain burning in my chest.

I raise my eyes again, chewing on my lips. I know where I’d want to go, but I’m also aware that I’d just hurt myself even more.

I briefly close my eyes, then I open them again and I start walking.

I take the train, and it’s not a long ride before I arrive, but I just want to go back.

Hesitating, I ring the bell and wait, almost hoping he won’t come to the door.

In vain.

“Yasu?”

“Hi, Ryo.” I murmur. We stay there, staring at each other for a while, before he moves and lets me in. I close the door behind my back and I look at him.

He’s fidgeting, I see that. He bites his lips and stares at his feet, while he can’t stop his leg from twitching, a tic he often gets when he’s nervous.

I almost feel sorry for him. _Almost._

“I suppose you know why I’m here.” I say, without the courage to look him in the eyes.

Ryo raises his eyes on me.

“I’m sorry.” he just says, his voice hoarser than usual.

I’ve forgotten the reason why I came here in the first place.

What should I say to him?

He’s made a terrible mistake, but him and I both make the list of people Subaru’s managed to hurt.

Because Ryo’s hurt, I see it in his eyes. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what he was hoping for, but I know he’s in pain. For me and Baru. For himself.

We’re pawns and nothing more. It’s a hell of a game.

“I know you’re sorry, Ryo. I know.” I say. He looks like he’s about to cry, but I already know he won’t. He still has his pride, and I envy him for it.

“I know that Baru is... well, yours and...” he mutters, and I feel like laughing. I stop him, raising my hand.

“Subaru belongs only to himself, Ryo, don’t delude yourself.” my voice lets out all the tiredness and the frustration I feel.

I can’t be in a room with him anymore, feeling the weight of his guilt. It’s suffocating.

“I better go now.” I say, getting out the door without giving him time to react.

I start walking again, and it feels colder than before.

What had I hoped?

It would’ve been so damn easy to blame Ryo for what had happened, but I can’t lie to myself like this.

I feel Subaru as distant as he could ever be, and I know I’d still want him by my side, despite everything. And if I have gone away it’s not for pride, but mere survival.

I wish I would’ve closed my eyes. Pretending I hadn’t seen his face, pretending I hadn’t understood and go on blind, letting myself be guided by his infinite lies.

We would’ve both suffered, like we’re suffering now, but at least we would’ve been together.

It starts raining, and with the light drops I can feel the state of complete abandon I’m in.

I want to cry, but it’s like Subaru’s already used up all my tears.

I’ve never trusted him, but I’ve believed in us. But men don’t change who they are, not even for love, real or presumed that it may be.

It’s lasted too long, and now I don’t know how to go on, when the road behind me is so damn alluring.

But it’s over.

Nothing else matters.


	9. What Have We Found

_(Nishikido Ryo)_

_[And did you exchange a walk_

_On part in the war_

_For a lead role in a cage?]_

I keep still for a while after Yassan’s left.

I stare at the door, as if I wanted to see him come back, as if I had something else to tell him.

But I don’t have any words to explain how I feel, as usual.

It had seemed so easy. A moment of boredom, almost, a sin of the venial ones, a few minutes no one would’ve cared about.

But I should’ve known that with Subaru nothing’s ever simple.

I’ve got Yasu’s face burned in my mind, it doesn’t go away.

I feel angry at his pain, because I’m partly cause of it and partly I share it.

I grab my phone, pressing the keys almost violently.

“Yes?” Baru’s distant voice answers. He sounds tired, bored.

“It’s me.” I say, dry. There’s a moment of silence, and I can always picture him opening his eyes wide, cautious.

“What is it?” he asks, suspicious.

“Yassan was here.” silence. “You there?” I ask.

“Yes...” he murmurs, but I can tell he’s distracted. I feel the anger growing, and I have to restrain myself from going straight to his house and punch him.

“Did you hear me? I’ve said Yasu was here.” I repeat, as if I want to give him a chance at a better reaction.

“So?”

I’m speechless.

So?

Yeah. Because he doesn’t care, in the ned.

I’ve always thought about Baru as a strong man, as someone who fights for what he wants.

And instead he desires, takes, and just at the end he realizes he doesn’t have all that freedom he thought he had.

I feel pity for him, almost as much as I feel for Yasu, almost as much as I feel for him.

Because we’re free to leave, while he stays there, locked up in his cage.

“I’m sorry... I thought I’d let you know. You could’ve been worried.” I say, my voice more bitter than I actually meant it to be.

“Thank you.” he replies, flat. “Anything else?” I bite my tongue, so hard that I can feel the taste of blood in my mouth.

“Yes. About today... I’m sorry.” I barely make it to hear him ask ‘for what?’, before I hang up.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’ve given in to him without thinking. I’m sorry I’ve had my role in Yasu’s pain. I’m sorry I hadn’t realized how much power Subaru held over me before it was too late.

I’m disgusted in myself, as usual. As if I feel dirty, corrupted.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or not, but it doesn’t change anything.

I’ve been dragged too low, and it was him. And for what, anyway?

So that he could pretend with himself he’s in control of his life?

He’s in chains.

Chains he’s put himself in, chains he could’ve gotten rid of at any moment, if only he hadn’t liked so much to tear his soul apart, tearing it to shreds, to the point of leaving nothing of the Subaru Yassan had loved.

I don’t have a part in this story, because I have no right to it.

It’s too late to go back.

It’s over, for all of us.


	10. I'm Crying Out, But There's no Response

_(Shibutani Subaru)_

_[Dare mo, nani mo, ai mo_

_kono koe mo_

_nuritsubusareta gunjourui._

_Kizutsukete, kizutsuite.]_

_(Everyone, everything, even love_

_and this voice too_

_have been painted over with navy blue tears._

_Hurt and being hurt myself.)_

I stare at the emptiness, a pen in my hand.

The words trace themselves on paper.

Navy blue tears.

Hurt and being hurt myself.

I’m almost afraid of going on. Yassan is going to know what I’m talking about, but perhaps he won’t care about me anymore.

Just like I wanted it to be.

_The shyness I always hide._

My shyness, the one he’s managed to defeat, making it a part of who we are.

No. Of who we were.

Yassan, and Ryo.

Lost one, never had; the other, never even wanted.

_I can’t go any further._

I can just stay here, contemplating the waste of a man who doesn’t own anything, not even himself.

It was what I wanted. Lacking that love I’ve _decided_ I don’t deserve.

A cold shiver.

I’d have called Yassan, I’d have asked him to get close and he would’ve done that, glad for an unhoped contact.

He’s not here anymore, _we_ aren’t.

I could cry, but it would just be a hypocrite frame for my selfishness.

_The pain and the anguish, just like this cold voice._

A tired voice, which hasn’t got words anymore.

My voice, which would love to scream the desolation of a heart in pieces.

My mistake.

Forgetting I still own a heart.

A heart which bears the memory of his face, engraved on it, with the smile I stole from him.

There’s nothing else anymore. Only tears I can’t cry.

It’s over.


End file.
